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The Idiots Play with Electricity & Review Unreal Tournament Gary: Hey, man, what are you doing now? Randy: You know how they are always talking about the coming of virtual reality? Well, I am tired of waiting. Gary: You want I should pound someone? Randy: Pound yourself. Gary: Boy, you are this close. Don't make me kill you. But what are you building? Randy: I made this suit for when we play Unreal tournament. See, it has these sensors and electrodes all over it? Gary: It also has a bare wire coming out of it and going into that wall socket. Randy: Exactly! You wear this suit when you play and when you get shot, it gives you a mild electric shock wherever you get hit, effectively disabling you for a few seconds. So, instead of simply losing a frag when you die, the consequences are a bit higher. Gary: Dude! What are you thinking?!? This is the coolest thing I have ever seen. Randy: Yeah... Since we have been using all of the bandwidth our cable modems can dish out in nightly Unreal fragfests, I decided to kick it up a notch! BAM!
Randy: It's even more fun with your clothes off. Gary: Eeeeww!!!! I don't want to hear this, you freak. The nightmares are really the worst part about being your friend. Randy: Nightmares, eh? You probably have nightmares about all of the frags you take when we play Deathmatch. Gary: Not so fast, my small-caliber little buddy. I believe that I was making pot roast-sized chunks out of you on a regular basis. Randy: Let's continue this bickering tonight over a game of Unreal Tournament. For now, let's talk about the killerest, splatteringest, slaughterfest around. Gary: You got it. First, you have to have the right equipment. Forget a one-button mouse. A three-button is a must to stay competitive. Program the left button to fire, program the right button to alt-fire, and use the middle button for what works for you. Randy: I use the middle button to cycle through weapons. That right button thing is very important. Every weapon has two fire modes in UT. Usually the alt-fire mode wreaks havoc like nobody's business. For example, when using the sniper rifle the alt-fire button gives you fully zoomable scope view, so you can close in distant targets before you send them to their maker. Gary: It's kind of like the sniper mode in MDK. Very cool. Randy: The next step is to either host or join a network game. As the game begins, make sure you use the time while everyone is joining the game to fly through as much of the level as you can to get an idea where things are. Gary: Then power up your weapons, and go kick some butt! Get an idea what weapons you like, and stick with those. Sometimes having a rocket launcher can be a disadvantage because of the delay when firing. And for God sakes don't shoot off a rocket in a small room. unless you just don't like yourself. I really like the minigun. It is fast and will pop an opponent like an egg in a microwave. Randy: I really love the high powered rifle. Maybe I'm sick, but there's just something funny about a headshot at 25 yards. But there are tons of different weapons to play with. Once you find your favorite, remember where you picked it up. Weapons and armor spawn in the same place in a level. So when you are fragged yourself and need to get some weapons fast, you'll know just where to run. Gary: But probably the most important features that Unreal Tournament has over other first person shooters are the cooperative play games. UT provides some super-fundito team games that bring the FPS genre to a new level of strategy and war ware. Randy: The game choices are fantastic in UT. There's good old Deathmatch, which is the typical every-man-for-himself bloodbath. Then there is Tournament Team play, which is like Deathmatch, but you're on a team competing against other teams. Gary: Oh yeah, we set it up so that Randy and I are on a two man team fighting three other two man teams. Those big rooms suddenly fill up fast. Randy: But the other co-op games are much more strategic, even though the main goal is always to kill, kill, kill. Assault lets you storm complex enemy fortresses. Along the way you must complete specific tasks to complete your invasion. You must make command decisions to leave some of your team to defend certain points while you finish the mission. Come to think of it, there is a bit of the Rainbow Six feel to the team missions. Gary: Once you're done invading , it's your turn to defend the same fortress. If you can defend it longer than the other guys, you win. There's also team based games like Domination and Capture The Flag . And yes they kick el grande buttocks too. Whenever you get tired of one type of game, there is always more to play.
Randy: And with every type of new game there are lots of exquisitely designed and textured maps to play in. And don't forget the Unreal Tournament Bonus Pack you can download form GameCenter.com for even more tasty maps and all new "relics" for added powers. And the characters and bot players are customizable too. You can even add free downloadable "mutators" to further spice up the game play. It's all so beautiful, Stimpy. Gary: Yes, the graphics in UT are amazing. Combine that with the great maps, and you are set for a night of saying, "Just one more game. Then I'll hit the sack." Then you call in sick to work. Randy: There is a level set on a Spanish galleon in the ocean. You can almost get seasick as the boat rocks back and forth. Gary: I think my favorite may the level set on a high-speed train and your goal is to reach the front of the train, jumping from car to car, in order to capture the engine. Then again I love the space station hurtling through the cosmos. Don't fall through them holes! Randy: UT is the most fun The Idiots have had gaming in many a moon. I like it. I like it a lot. Gary: So, Scooby. Let's see how that wetsuit of yours works. Randy: Alright. Let me get it on. Okay, let's launch Unreal Tournament. All right..... Now, when you see me in the level, just shoot me somewhere, and we'll see how this thing works. Gary: Can do, camperino. Randy: No! NO!!! Not in the crotch! EEEEEAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!! Gary: Bitchin'! That was the coolest thing I have ever seen! Amazing! Good work, man! Randy: Hair, burning ... Gary: Man, your arm is really twitching. Randy: Mmmmpphhh..... Gary: You know, that is just like you, man. It's my turn! Stop hogging the space suit! Randy: If that's important to you. Here ya go. Gary: Woohoo! Alright, now shoot me! Randy: Git along there little cow poke, here's one right on the ol' flank steak! Gary: What did you s- WWWHHHHOOOOAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!! Oh my God. My ASS!!!! Randy: Pretty fun, huh? Gary: Burning, burning...Ow....... Randy: Is someone frying a pork chop? |
