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A Century Of Idiots: The Idiots' 100th Column! Randy: Hey man, what's up with the silly party hat and the cupcake? Gary: I happen to be wearing this hat because I am celebrating something special today. Randy: You finally got your lobotomy appointment! Gary: No... Randy: You got that job as the official "Lil' Smokey Links" quality taste tester? Gary: No! Dang it. Randy: Hmmm, you saved up enough "Munch-n-Pay" bonus dollars to get a free Slurpy at the 7-11? Gary: No, no and no, I tells ya! Randy: Alright, don't be so touchy. What are you celebrating today? Gary: It's our 100th column for the ol' Mac Observer! As if you cared, you punk-ass.... Randy: Wow! Come to think of it you're right. We have been churning out the vapid and mindless chum that we call journalism for 100 columns. That is a milestone indeed. I guess that also explains why you are drinking from the tap of a keg. Gary: Woooo!!!!! Randy: At least I am using my official Munich "Loft 'n' Hurl" mega stein, which I got when I was in Schenecta-uh, Munich. Gary: We started writing this column "back in da day", as the kids like to say these days. Back when computer were driven by huge teams of horses that stood over twenty feet tall. And computer operators used to have to wear skin tight body suites and be fired from a cannon before thay could touch the machines. Randy: Huh, dude? What in the hell are you talking about?! We started two years ago and computers used electricity just like they do now. Gary: Oh, sorry. That was a club I went to last night. Oh, what you must think of me. Randy: Man, time flies when you're just wastin' it. Back when we started this column, the original beige G3's were just coming out. The first G3 PowerBook hit the world and the press cheered. Gary: I remember that first year we were writing the column under the title "The Name of the Game." And back then that crazy grey haired guy with those two stone tablets full of crazy rules came down from that mountain in Tennessee. Randy: What! Are you delusional? Guy from a mountain? Do you possibly mean Moses, or maybe Al Goldstein? You better at least switch to a mug. Gary: You can't drink from a mug laying down. Randy: Sadly and yet profoundly true. Gary: Hey, man, I haven't had too much to drink I schwear it, man. Randy: Just keep your composure there party boy. We wouldn't want to tarnish our clean-cut image we have worked so hard to promote. Gary: Now you are the one who is delusional. Member when we started this column? There was no web. Just town criers that would yell out e-mails in the central square. That was awesome. Randy: Are you having some kind of past life regression or something? We had the web but we were still surfing at 28.8 or 33.6 speeds back then. Gary: Yeah, downloading, uhhh... pictures was really not worth it back then. Randy: It was hard to get excited about a naked lady that was made out of ASCII text. Gary: You said ass. Randy: Gimme that tap, drinky the drunk guy. Gary: 'Kay. There was no Mac Observer then, either. It was called, uh, you know that other name...you know, Not The Mac Observer. Randy: You mean Webintosh. What is this stuff man? It's not beer. It's all pink and foamy. It's... not too bad. Gary: Happy Centenial Birthday! I'm a hundred years old! Randy: If it weren't for this sweet, delicious beer, I would have killed you long ago. Gary: I feel the same way, my friend. The Idiots: I love you, man! (sobbing) Gary: (sniff) When we started this column, the only computer game was a command line version of tic-tac-toe, and you had to type out where you wanted to put your X or your O. And the computer took longer than you did making its move. Randy: What the hell is in this freakish Frankin-beer? Gimme that tap! Gary: Then they had this text version of Zork, and each time you wanted to make a move you had to compile a shoebox full of punch cards, and feed them into a computer a big as a basketball court. The computer had lightbulb-sized transistors and all of these pull cords like an old telephone operator's machine. Randy: You know, in all these years, Zork hasn't gotten any better. Gary: After that, they made a huge leap in the construction of computers. Wood. Randy: You know, even though I am drinking this nameless swill along with you, I can still tell that you are completely insane. Gary: Man, a lot has changed since we wrote our very first column so long ago. Randy: And we haven't. Just ask our wives. Uh oh... hey! I can't feel my body below my chin. What kind of "beer" is this? Gary: I mixed it up myself, just from stuff here in the cave. I personally think it could use more Actifed. Randy: What the hell?! Are you trying to kill me, man? It needs more soy sauce! And I'll agree, a little more Actifed would be nice too. Gary: See? I told you. Randy: Yeah, man. When we started this column, there were no color monitors. In fact, my first computer was a small-block Chevrolet engine with an Etch-a-Sketch taped to it. Gary: Cool beer, huh? Randy: Yeah.... Gary: I can't believe we have stuck this column thing out for so long. Randy: Well, we had to pay the rent on the cave somehow. But yeah, buddy, we did it. Here's to The Idiots one-hundredth! Gary: Woohoo! I'm a hunnert yearsh old!!!! Randy: I'm sure we'll feel like it tomorrow. Be sure to read the disclaimer folks. Disclaimer: Only Idiots would ever abuse alcohol or any pink and milkish beer-like substance that foams up and tries to jump out of the glass and run away when you are not looking. Don't be an Idiot. |