Descent 3 Reveals The Idiots for What They Are December 21st Randy: Well, well, well, if the prodigal son hasn't returned home. And after only two months away. Did you miss me? Gary: Yeah, with every bullet. I am only back because while we have been doing some serious Internet gaming, we haven't been sitting around drinking enough beer. I'm only trying to appease the beer gods. Randy: A likely story. How has Texas been anyway? Gary: A lot warmer than New York City. And there is this cool microbrewery by my house. Randy: It's funny how, wherever you move, they build a microbrewery. Gary: Well, at this microbrewery, they let you buy a big mug for ten dollars, and then for the rest of the year you get to fill the mug with whatever variety of beer that you like for one dollar. It's incredible! And when you sign up for the mug, they also sign you up on the organ transplant list, so that when you need your new liver, it should be waiting for you. Randy: Whoa! Now that's some thinking! Gary: Anyway, on to gaming while drinking. Have you downloaded the new Descent 3 demo? Graphic Simulations is porting it over to the Mac and the demo looks awesome. Descent 3 is the most recent in the excellent space flying games where vertigo is your friend. Because you are a little space droid flying around in zero-gravity, there is no up or down for you. Randy: Yeah, and this time the graphics are better than ever. Especially with a Voodoo 2 card, the gameplay is outstanding. Go get him, boys! Gary: The sounds are incredible as well. You can hear explosions coming from the direction that they occurred, and there are tons of ambient industrial noises that groan and clang all around you. Randy: You realize that Descent 3 supports multiplayer Internet gameplay? You could have saved three-hundred bucks in airfare and hosted a game on your cable modem. Gary: Uh, I knew that. I just miss Manhattan, that's all. Randy: Idiot. Gary: All right, smart guy. How good are you at Descent? Randy: Well, to be honest, I am having a hard time controlling my ship. I have played with the sensitivity of the controls, but I still have a tendency to crash into walls and miss the bad guys. Gary: Me too. It is a blast to play, but from my standpoint it is even more fun to watch someone who is really good at it play. Randy: That's pretty sad, man. We must be getting old. Gary: But I know this guy who is a Descent master. He can frag me every time we play. Let me introduce him to you. I would like you to meet Dan, The King of Descent 3. Randy: Howdy, Dan! Dan: Hi, Randy. Ready to play a little deathmatch? The Idiots: You're on! (seventeen hours later) Gary: Well, that was especially humiliating. Randy: Hey, I almost got him. Once. Dan: The secret is that you have to forget about what you know of physics. Just zoom through all of the tunnels and always assume that you are always right-side up. Randy: But I always get dizzy. Gary: Yeah, and I find myself trying to look up into my monitor to see around things. Dan: That's because you are an Idiot. Randy: Well, I can't ever seem to maneuver my dumb ship and hit anyone. I usually get fragged as I am trying to aim at the other ships. Dan: Man, you guys are pathetic. I thought you were supposed to be these incredible gamers. Gary: Yeah, we sort have been saying that in all of our columns. Dan: But you suck! I killed each of you about ten-thousand times, man! What incredible level of suckiness have you guys reached? The amount you guys suck defies the laws of science! Randy: Ease off, man. I knew we shouldn't have let someone else in to the cave. He is going to blow our cover. Gary: There has got to be a reasonable explanation for this. All right, Dan, you must be one of the programmers for Descent, right? Dan: Nope. Randy: Okay, you're a fighter pilot with the Air Force or the Blue Angels? Dan: Wrong again. Gary: Are you one of those guys that flips around on the rug and tries to get medals and stuff? You know, chicks like to watch that stuff. Dan: Are you asking me if I am a gymnast? Gary: Yeah, that's it! Dan: No, I am not a gymnast, and I don't see how that would really help in Descent, anyway. Randy: Yeah, good point, Dan. Gary: Hey! Whose side are you on, anyway? Randy: I'm not exactly sure. Gary: C'mon, Dan, tell us your secret. Why are you so good at Descent? Randy: Yeah, what gives? Dan: Okay, I'll tell you. The Idiots: Tell us!!! Dan: I'm twelve. The Idiots would like to thank Daniel Randazzo, Gary's little brother, for teaching them how to play Descent 3. But was it really necessary to be so condescending?