|
The Idiots' New Year's Resolutions Randy: So, the Millennium is finally about over. It's just a matter of days before the world is plunged into complete and utter chaos as computer systems fail and insane people go ballistic, taking hostages and setting bombs off. What are you doing for the new year? Gary: Well, I was going to have ham, but now I think I'll cower in the corner of my garage. Randy: I was just joking. Everything will be fine, little buddy. Gary: Whew! What a relief! Are you making any New Year's resolutions? You know, like cutting down the number of adult web sites that you are a member of? Randy: Hey! Those sites provide invaluable research and...... Yeah, I'll be cutting down on those. Gary: Guess someone else found the credit card statements, huh? Randy: Anyway, what are your New Year's resolutions? Gary: Well, I was planning to spend less time on the Internet. To help me out with that resolution, I went out and signed up for Road Runner, which is what Time Warner calls its cable modem service in Houston. It probably calls it that everywhere, but who the hell knows? Randy: So, now you can get all of your Internet stuff done in no time, and you actually go outside, right? Gary: You would think that would be the case. Randy: So, what really happened? Gary: You know all of those sites that I could never really enjoy on my 56K modem? Sites that had tons of multimedia, like Flash and downloadable QuickTime movies. Even sites that used streaming media, through either QuickTime 4 or RealPlayer weren't very usable with my old dial-up connection. Now those sites work great with my cable modem. Randy: I thought you looked a little paler than usual. I think I can see your veins. Gary: Bite me. But it is true. I have been spending even more time on the Internet. For example, I went to Apple's web site to see how fast the Star Wars trailer downloaded. I double clicked the QuickTime file, and it started playing in my browser immediately. Immediately! Do you know what this means, man?! Randy: A lot more tips for delivery guys in the Houston area? A huge shift in the Houston economy, away from petroleum products toward pizza franchises? Your skin will become completely tranparent? Gary: Dude, I will beat you so badly.... Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else did the cable modem do? Tell me a story. Gary: Well, I went to download the Unreal Tournament Demo, which is about 51 megs big. Guess how long that took. Randy: Well, on my 56K connection it would take about eight hours. Gary: It took me three minutes. Randy: Holy crap! Gary: That's what I tought you would say. There's no more waiting for the newset MacAddict disk to see if my favorite game demo is on there. I can get it online anytime I want! Randy: That's amazing, man. You would think that they would have cable modems avaiable in Manhattan, but no! Because the wiring is so difficult, they haven't gotten to it yet. All I get is letters saying that I will get it soon. Thanks a lot, Time Warner. Those letters really make my day. Gary: Hah ha! Guess you should have moved to the country too. So, any other New Year's resolutions, hosehead? Randy: Yeah, I resolve not to kick your butt so often, loser. Gary: You couldn't kick my butt if I gave you a boot and bent over! Randy: Oh, yeah? Let's go, buttmunch! Gary: You're going down! (crashing sounds) Happy New Year's from The Idiots. May your Y2K go smoothly. Isn't it weird that that The Idiots moved 2000 miles apart and they still get into fistfights? |