Even More Questions Only An Idiot Would Ask February 5th, 1999 Gary: Man, look at all of this mail! It's filling up the library. I can't even get to the game manuals anymore. You know, buddy, we really should stop avoiding this and just answer our mail. Randy: Yeah, I guess so. But that means I have to stop playing Klingon Honor Guard. Gary: Dude! You have been playing for two weeks straight now. Your hands are going to get permanently damaged. Take a break. Randy: All right, all right. So, let's read a little VIEWER MAIL! Dear Idiots, I was reading last week's column (really funny, by the way, especially the title). However, I noticed that after a day of it being posted the title changed from "How the Hell Did The Idiots Get Klingon Honor Guard Before You Did?" to "How the Heck Did The Idiots Get Klingon Honor Guard Before You Did?" What's up with that? Will Hung Hershey, PA Randy: Well, Will, The Idiots thought the first title was funny and appropriate for our audience. However, one of our good readers felt that it was inappropriate, and let us know his feelings. Gary: Yeah, can you believe that [Editor: stuff]!?! I mean, what the [Editor: heck] is wrong with that? Randy: Well, it did force us to address an interesting editorial issue. It probably is a good idea to leave the cursing out of the titles of our columns, anyway. We'll just double up on the [Editor: gosh darn] foul language in the body of the columns to compensate. Gary: You're [Editor: darn] right we will! I have a few things to say about this- [Editor: The rest of Gary's response can be emailed upon request. Proof of age will be required.] Randy: Wow! Mighty impressive use of the English language there, buddy. How long have you been practicing that [Editor: stuff]? Gary: Thank you. Thank you very much. Actually, I do understand The Mac Observer's decision, and I stand by it. Because a lot of our readers are younger, we should be extra sensitive to them. Look for our future columns to correspond to each and every one of our readers' sensibilities, no matter what they are. We will not express any ideas that anyone on the planet may possibly disagree with. Randy: Um, interesting. Here's another letter. Dear Idiots, I read in a recent article of yours that Randy was trying to construct a gaming chair, but Gary suggested checking out the Intensor gaming chair. Upon your advice, I purchased one for myself, (rather than try Randy's homespun effort) and man, this thing it great! I haven't felt gaming like this since my dodgeball playing days. Thanks for the tip. By the way. Where does Randy get used 737 parts? What's up with that? Lotta Hose San Jose, CA Gary: Glad to hear we could help you find a way to better gaming. As we have stated in previous articles, we believe sound is at least half of the experience of any gaming adventure. Randy: That's right. And in answer to your question about used airplane parts. The Idiots have a special arrangement with Boeing and the US government. Listen closely and you too can get free stuff from the government. First, we have a buddy who works in the aeronautics engineering division at Boeing. Every now and then, usually after a major airline disaster, Boeing gets in a panic about the state of their computer-driven flight sim lab. Our buddy calls us up and asks us to bring in a real computer to make the FAA boys calm down and leave them alone. We bring over an iMac with a copy of Flight Unlimited and they throw a sheet over the monster Big Blue supercomputer in the corner (damn thing hasn't booted up in two years, anyway) and a major crisis is averted. In lieu of payment (he is a friend after all) our buddy calls up his father-in law Ken Starr. Ken writes up an invoice payment voucher on the Republican Presidential Investigation Committee's bill to pay for some fake background research. We use the money to pay for some cool stuff off of whatever Boeing has sitting on the tarmac that day. So to make a long story short, we use Macs, friends and the unbelievable graft and corruption in the United States government to get what we need for our gaming experience. It's the American way! Gary: Amen! Dear Idiots, I have been a weekly reader of your column since you guys started and I just wanted to say thanks for the laughs each week. My children and I always enjoy reading your column together on Friday nights. The kids seem to particularly enjoy your brand of humor, but I don't mean that as a comment on your intelligence. Here is my question. In each column, it seems, you mention some room in your house (The Cave). You have a library, a lab, a private screening room, a gaming room. Just how big is your house? And how do you afford such a big place in New York City? What's up with that? Ben Meeover Boston, Mass Gary: Good question. First of all, it's not a house at all. We really do live in a cave. Randy: And yes it's big! Really big. As big as an abandoned subway station. Gary: Shut up! Don't tell them that! Now they may know where to find us. Well, since you have given it away, I guess we can tell them. We have taken over an old subway station, and have converted it to the ultimate gamer's paradise. We have all of the rooms above, plus many more, which you will learn about as we write more columns. Randy: And that's how we can afford this place. No one knows were here. Gary: They do now. Randy: No way, buddy. The cops aren't going to find us. They are way too busy dealing with the millions and millions of murders that occur in Manhattan every day. Gary: Hey, yeah! It sure is good for us that millions of innocent people are murdered in New York City everyday. Randy: It is also great for us that government corruption is so rampant. Gary: Now if we could only find a positive spin for that censorship thing. Disclaimer: If you haven't figured this out by now, all letters and letter writers above are fictional, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental (and, quite frankly, tragic for that person). The Idiots would like to thank Bryan (our esteemed editor) for letting us have fun with this column. We really appreciate the latitude he has given us with our content. Randy: Yeah, you know that Bryan really is a great guy. He does such a great job too! If only some of the other web sites out there had such a great, outstanding, fearless, and, might I add, good looking leader! Gary: Yeah, let's see if this one runs.